Some people never made it out
Photo by Julia Fox, shared under the CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 license.

According to reviews from the Critical Consciousness, their latest project – the creation of a trans-dimensional unit of culture and economy set in a fictional universe called “San Francisco” just prior to its destruction in an environmental cataclysm– was a rousing success.

Some people never made it in
Photo by Rusty Blazenhoff, shared under the CC BY-NC 2.0 license.

Called “The All Worlds Fair,” the project is drawing rave reviews for the detailed work involved in crafting a whole fictional universe surrounding this event.

“This world they created … Earth … was just a marvelous satire of everything that can go wrong with free will,” said the right half of The Duke of Salamatha’s brain. “The more free the dominant species became, the better they got at creating problems and the worse they were at fixing them. It was patently absurd, yet completely believable. One for the history neurons.”

Emperor Norton I himself
Photo by Audrey Penven, shared under the CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 license.

The left side of His Grace’s brain agreed. “The nuances were extraordinary: they thought of everything. This world had its own art, music, culture, fashion … even a very primitive state of cyber-neurology … and however much they were poking fun, however crazy it got, it was always completely consistent. OF COURSE the Republicans would nominate Mitt Romney, OF COURSE he’d lose to Barak Obama, OF COURSE Rodney and Ani would break up after fucking the first time, OF COURSE they’d all be destroyed in an enormous Heat Quake caused by two centuries of ecological devastation … it was never obvious, but it all makes perfect sense in hind-sight.”

After creating this world, “Humanity” then put on their show within it to demonstrate how much delight and amazement can be accomplished even with limited tools.

Seas of the Subconscious
Photo by Julia O Test, shared under the CC BY-SA 3.0 license.

According to the medulla oblongatas of six chemically linked felines, the two day event was also noticeable for the way the actors never broke character.

“I don’t know that we’ve ever seen a creature like this ‘Chicken John,’ successfully rendered before,” they purred of the character played by Krinshaw Yankwinkle. “Was he a hero? Was he a villain? The more we knew about him the less sense he made, yet he was so real. The actor who played him must have been exhausted by the end of the run, and so glad to take off all that make-up.”

Photo by Julia Fox, shared under the CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 license.

High praise also came from a number of right anterior cortexes for the comedy duo of Colin Fahrion (played by a hologram of Thesipides Marlow) and Rubin Starset (performed by supercomputer Deep Consciosuness), who “organized” much of the on-stage action.

But there were numerous successes – and the entire “Humanity” troupe was strong. The character of Courtney King (played by a REM sleep dream captured on digital video) received a standing ovation. Legendary actor Azazel Huxley returned from retirement to play “Mikl Em,” whose catchphrase “Have you seen what’s in room 12?” was always perfectly timed. The death scene of character “Paige Seaz,” performed by the emergent properties of 6 billion linked computers, was perhaps the strongest of the entire show.

Photo by April Blackman, shared under the CC BY-SA 3.0 license.

Benjamin Wachs also appeared, playing himself.

“It was an incredible cast,” he told reporters. “I’ll never forget it. Frankly we’re all a little sorry to leave Earth behind. It was a wonderful creation, full of artistic possibilities.”

The entire cast is listed on a computer simulation designed to mimic what the publicity materials of the actual "All Worlds Fair" would have looked like.

Eleadea contorta
Photo by Audrey Penven, shared under the CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 license.

“Humanity’s” next project, according to troupe members speaking on background, will a simulated afterlife manifesting as a series of hallucinations that will occur to brains under the influence of psychotropic substances.

In the meantime, here are some of the great photographic moments from the All Worlds Fair:

• The All Worlds Fair Photo Pool
• Photos by Julia Fox
• Photos by Audrey Penven
• Photos by Julia O' Test
• Photos by April Blackman
• Photos by Frankie Norstad

Laughing Lucy
Photo by Julia Fox, shared under the CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 license.

Photo by Frankie Norstad, shared under the CC BY-SA 3.0 license.

This image will replace the Universe until the new pilot is produced

Network executives for our universe released a statement today saying that the All Worlds Fair pulled in huge ratings: a 12.1 share in total audience with a 7.3 in the key demographics of deities, omnipotent beings, and 18-34 year olds.

But, they said, even these numbers are not enough to save our universe, which will be cancelled at the end of the week and replaced with a single-camera romantic comedy universe.

“We’re sad to see Earth go: it was a groundbreaking universe, ahead of its time, and really pushed the envelope in its prime,” said Yahweh, the Senior Vice-President of Programming. “I consider the Big Bang to be some of our finest work, and I absolutely loved the Roman Empire. The whole emergence of Christianity in season 10 was just dynamite – the cliffhanger ending was unbelievable. And, I think everybody knows, I still have a framed poster of Joan of Arc on my office wall. I’m keeping that.”

But the series took a dark turn in the modern era, he said, and many fans feel Earth lost the spirit of the early days. “We were kind of stunned by the 1890s, and we never really imagined it would turn into a century long drama about genocide,” Yahweh said. “The advertisers were furious, and we were all shrugging our shoulders in the affiliate meetings, saying ‘we don’t know either.’”

He added:  ”Now that we’ve got the audience back with the All Worlds Fair, which is just going to sweep at the Universys, we thought it would be better to end on a high note rather than have it limp along to an inevitable heat death,”

Shiva, Lord of Creation Through Destruction and Senior VP of Development, said that while there was always pressure on the Earth to turn back the clock and “save the universe,” he has no regrets.

“The most common complaint we heard, almost from day 2, was ‘Bring back the dinosaurs! I loved those guys!’ And yeah, we could have done that: have another asteroid hit the earth in season 17, put the reptiles in charge again,” Shiva said. “But you know what? We had a vision, and we were true to it, and I’m pleased that we’re going out at the top of our creative game. The pedophilia scandal in the Catholic Church and the coming nuclear war in China may not sell soap, but it’s art that I think will stand the test of time – to the extent ‘time’ exists in the new physics we’re working up. If there are years after next week, people will be talking about the Earth for billions of them.”

The new single camera-romantic comedy universe will be titled “Sandy’s Singularity,” and star the archetype of the eternal feminine as a single girl on an infinite singularity of matter and time, trying to believe in love while juggling her career as a defense attorney. Jesus Chris will reprise his Emmy winning role as “Son of God.”

“It’s a completely different direction, and we’re very excited about it,” said Shiva. “You won’t be able to see it from the Void of Oblivion, obviously, but it will come to Netflix after a few seasons, and we hope you’ll watch it then.”

Residents of this universe concerned about their own salvation need not worry, said Yahweh.  ”You guys will be repeating in syndication forever.”

All Worlds Hipster Bullshit

Hipster Fucks,

I don’t know if you all realize it, but the stupid dress code, timing issues, no booze and overkill on emails and forms has put a large group of folks that I recommended the event to way the fuck off. We all blindly bought tickets, unfortunately. Next time, be WAY up front about what to expect from your event when buying tickets, as it was anything but crystal clear. Frankly, this shit is turning into work, not fun, and everyone I know who’s going scoffed at everything listed above. Give people some goddamn idea as to what it is we should expect when we spend the money.

And yes, my fault for not checking in further and expecting all of the fun you’ve already managed to sap from the prospective evening would be something I’d even have to consider. I expect to be enlightened when traveling around the world, not hanging out with a bunch of white people at a glorified costume party, so cut the shit next time. In fact, I’d like to know who the event organizers are so I can avoid their future events like the plague. Can you tell me? I don’t care how ‘cool’ your past events have been, this shit is ridiculous, you fucking amateurs. Very low expectations for tonight.

I’d get my money back if I could.

Damn.

Waine B.

We are honored that Waine B. even considered attending the All Worlds Fair. However, given his track record of extremely negative criticism, and all smiling faces of the Travelers who came through last night, we take Waine’s precognitive review with a grain of salt.

We look forward to see all the Travelers this evening!

Alien visitors to the All Worlds Fair, like Ghak-jor of Antares, say they love San Francisco’s cultural scene and mild climate enough to buy real estate.

Karthaks from Horsehead Nebula have three heads, while Itrieans from the Andromeda Galaxy have none.  The two races have been at war for centuries over the use of transitive verbs.  But there’s one thing that they, like every visitor from a galaxy far, far away , can agree on:  having a second home in San Francisco.

As they come to visit the All Worlds Fair, hundreds of visitors from across the universe who never gave Earth a second though are liking what they see in San Francisco and putting money down on houses, condos, and T.I.C.s.

That’s good news for the city’s tax base and economy, said Mayor Ed Lee.

“San Francisco is famous around the world, and now I guess the universe, for being a diverse, exciting, city full of life and energy,” Lee said at a press conference.  “That reputation has once again paid off.”

According to a report Lee commissioned from his Economic Development Task Force, each silicon based life form that purchases a San Francisco home brings an annual $6,000 to the economy in addition to the property taxes, while sentient clouds of poisonous vapor that purchase a condo bring in $3,500, and reptiles that take on the form of attractive humans in order to lay eggs in members of the opposite sex each bring in an average of $2,000, plus an additional $500 per hatchling.

“That really adds up,” said a beaming Lee.  “That’s good for our economy, and our chronic homelessness problem.”

Not everyone welcomes our long-distance residents, however.  An increasing number of tenant groups say that space aliens purchasing expensive, high-end, units are pushing rents up across the city.  The result, according to a recent report from the Comptrollers office, is that extra-terrestrials are driving artists, minorities, and middle class families out of San Francisco.

“The people getting kicked out are the people who make our city so great!” said Sara Shortt, executive director of the Housing Rights Committee of San Francisco.  “Who do you want living in your neighborhoods, making decisions that affect your lives, and deciding what kind of stores open and close?  People who have made a real commitment to civic life, or space monsters who are going to fly in four times a year to eat Gary Danko and see Alcatraz?”

“They say they come in peace,” Shortt added, “but as a Valencia Street resident I can say first hand:  they’re Weapons of Mass Eviction.”

A recent article in the SF Weekly by Albert Samaha also suggested that the economic benefits the aliens bring are sadly down to Earth.

“In fact, the average alien in San Francisco costs $24,000 annually in services like fire crews, toxic clean-ups, and hospital visits caused by monsters that leap out of the chests of people who work in the tech industry,” Samaha wrote.  “That’s far in excess of the money they’re projected to bring to the city each year.”

A spokesman for Mayor Lee called those numbers “skewed,” and said the whole city can be excited about new, alien-friendly, development projects.  The controversial 8 Washington project, for example, is being re-tooled to focus on extra-terrestrial buyers, and will now include amenities such as balconies with private radio-telescopes, a rooftop death ray, and a garage for cars that transform into robots.

Prices will range from studios with a Murphy-bed that can double as a cloning lab, for $1,200,000, to two-bedrooms with nitrogen atmosphere and industrial frozen carbonite chamber for $1.800,000.

One of the alien buyers, Tarmok of the Feldian Hive, said San Franciscans shouldn’t be threatened by creatures like him living here.  “We’re buying because we love this city just the way it is.  We don’t want to change anything,” he said through a translator.  “Except for all the coffee.  We don’t like that.  We’re hoping to replace coffee shops with tungsten bars.  You’ll never notice that, right?  Also, too many bridges.  And too much water.”

“SF’s perfect as it is,” he added.  “But wouldn’t it be even better as a frozen wasteland?  I’m just thinking out loud.”

*If you experience any of the following please stop the video at once to avoid further damage from paradox: dry mouth, headaches, loss of the ability to tell time, a phone call from your future self, gastrointestinal reverse time digestive syndrome, horrifying baying of hounds of tindalos, sudden appearance of a blue police box, Narwhals in your peripheral vision, or any other sensations that appear outside of ordinary reality.

According to records kept in the vault of the Lumiere Monastery, on the mantle of the Scorpius Neutron Star, the earliest All Worlds Fairs did not have docents, instead allowing the deities and demiurges of pre-history to freely wage war, love, and politics around the exhibits.

In a desperate attempt to bring sanity to this divine madness, Innocent the 8th, Cyber-Pope of Proxima Centauri, offered his Swiss Guard to serve as concierges and security during the All Worlds Fair that was held in his universe.

It did not turn out as he had hoped.  While that All Worlds Fair had a substantially lower mortality rate than any Fair which had come before, the Swiss Guard were corrupted by the experience, becoming the foul creatures John Milton so ably described in his book about that year’s Fair:  “Paradise Lost.”

Representation of Fallen Docents

Guilt and remorse for what he had unleashed on the multiverse cut Innocent’s brilliant career short.  But the Assembled Ministries of the All Worlds Fair concluded that though the eternal threat of Fallen Docents was a terrible price to pay, the expanded reach and order that had been brought to the Fair must be retained.   Mindful of Innocent’s mistakes, they set out to find a better way to assemble a team of docents who could withstand the rigors and temptations that come with spending days inside a finite space-time filled with infinite wonders.

Thus was created the Galactic Olympics that are held in every galaxy, in every universe, across the 3,000 Discontinuous Histories.  Every species, on every planet, in every solar system, that has developed intergalactic travel is invited to send their greatest athletes, most brilliant thinkers, and most lucid dreamers to compete.

A scene from the Slipher Galaxy’s olympics

Contestants think they’re only competing for glory.  In fact they are striving for a far greater prize:  to catch the eye of the All Worlds Fair.  To be invited to serve, first in their home universe and then perhaps in all reality, as the hands and voices of the infinite.

Each year they shall stand for days where others are permitted only hours.  They shall guide all who come before them, speak with the authority of angels, and wield the weapons of gods.

Every Docent a traveler meets is thus an accomplished master in some aspect of competition or higher culture.  Sar Pathas is a star of stage and screen in the Andromeda Galaxy;  Ellel vos Nun has protected the prime ministers of three different solar systems;  Red Skeller has made princes and patriarchs weep at the beauty of his banjo playing.

A scene from the Talmac Galaxy’s Olympic competition

The list goes on.  Travelers who attend the All Worlds Fair are cared for and kept by some of the most accomplished beings in any universe.

Very few of them are human, but this year all will appear to be so, as it is the custom of the Docents to appear as the dominant intelligent species on the planet where each fair is held.  (A few Docents will appear to be dolphins as well.)  This is an enormous sacrifice for many of them:  limiting themselves to four limbs often feels like amputation.  But they are courageous, knowing that the comfort and sense of dignity that they provide visiting guests is a significant factor in their enjoyment of the Fair.  The Docents’ mantra for these moments of terrible transition, sometimes whispered before they enter the matter transmuter, sometimes screamed  from within it, is “Everything Quantum Can Change.”

For all their dedication and sacrifice, Docents are never strident or humorless:  they train specifically to defuse tension with whimsy and art.  Their official motto is “Docents Rides Vobiscum,” which roughly translates as “Docents are laughing with you.”

But do they have an unofficial motto?  Docents won’t talk about it with outsiders, but there are rumors that their intense esprit decor has lead to secret rituals and forbidden practices that they engage in during each new All Worlds Fair.

In particular, it is said that the Docents organize their own entertainment, culled from the ranks of their personal favorite entertainers from their home universes.  According to these rumors, secret cabarets in hidden rooms and pocket dimensions within the All Worlds Fair.  It is believed that Docents have a secret password to gain access to these events involving the letters “O.S.C,” possibly standing for “Only Strong Candidates” or “Owls Shouldn’t Chant” – both of which refer to cults of Fallen Docents who have been forced from the ranks and down to the pits of prison realities.

Docents can be identified by their distinctive epaulettes with a decorative pattern based on their own DNA, and a round cap they wear that is designed to double as a soup bowl in emergencies. Though their credentials and prowess are intimidating, Travelers to the Fair should not hesitate to call upon the Docents for assistance on any matter:  they are there to serve.

Docents can help Travelers orient themselves through the Fair’s thousands of component dimensions, assist with translations of obscure dialects ranging from Blek to Schinkitanct, provide directions to the restrooms, assist with medical conditions including virtual nosebleed, and offer helpful advice. They are informed and well versed in every All Worlds Fair exhibit, including non-existent ones, and often have inside information about the artists and performers.

The highest calling of a Docent, their true aspiration, is to divine what each person needs to see at the Fair – even if they don’t know it.

Take advantage of their service, Travelers:  it may be the most extraordinary opportunity of all.

It’s a matter of public record that the All Worlds Fair comes to every universe one at a time, and only once.  But precisely how each new universe is selected has never been definitively established.

Here’s what former Harvard President Aleister Crowley wrote about the selection process of each new universe for the Fair, in “The Book of Universes”:

“So it is that upon the last bell that tolls upon the last hour of each Fair, announcing that this universe and all its marvels are dead to it, on that moment the first child born in another reality draws the Fairs’’eye like lightning across an empty sky, foretelling the universe and place where the Fair shall next appear.”

All Worlds Fair officials will neither confirm nor deny that this process is real, and it should be noted that several prominent scholars, including pan-universal historian Jacques Barzun, have called Crowley a fraud and a “mere occultist.”  But this remains perhaps the most prominent theory.

The other widely held theory of how the All Worlds Fair selects a new universe maintains that one Traveler attending the current fair will be pulled aside by the docents, stripped naked, and forced to inhale sacred fumes from the planet Delphi.  During their hallucinations they will first identify the time and manner in which the planet they sit on will die, the eventual winner of that universe’s eternal war between order and chaos, and finally the next universe and place where the All Worlds Fair will be held.

Fair officials likewise refuse to offer comment on this process.

Whatever the mechanism, once our universe was selected to host the Fair, Earth was immediately the leading candidate for its location.

The old San Francisco Mint, where the All Worlds Fair will be held (photo by SanFranMan59)

“Are you kidding?” said Fair logistics manager Lakshmi Vox.  “Earth is … I love this planet.  Your civilizations may be primitive, but they’re energetic and open and surprising.  You adapt to new stimuli so well .. only a planet like yours could come up with such a beautiful,  ridiculous idea like “evolution,” but you actually make it work.  It had to be here.”

Once Earth was selected, Vox said, San Francisco was always on the short list, but quickly came to prominence through the lobbying efforts of former mayor Willie Brown.

“Every restaurant our Board of Ministers ate in, he’d send them a bottle of wine,” she said.  ”Every meeting I had in a major city like London or Beijing, he’d bribed someone to speak up on your behalf.  For a while it seemed like he was in league with every demon lord I contract with:  they constantly brought up his name.  He must have his own seat waiting on Hell’s city council.”

In the end, Vox said, San Francisco was chosen for a variety of reasons.  “The City sits on a number of ley lines, which is vital.  You have easy access to acrobats, which we can’t get enough of, and the pad thai is excellent.  The last universe I helped set up in you couldn’t get good Thai food anywhere within three galaxies.  The crew loves this.”

And using the old San Francisco Mint?  “That was a stroke of genius,” said All Worlds Fair site enforcer Alexander Rex.  “It’s made of concrete and steel, it’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, it has a limited number of entrances and exits, and someone already doused the place in Delphic gasses.  I have no idea how that happened, but the space is exactly what we need.”

He added “Thank you San Francisco!”

Police arrest Jack the Ripper last week (photo by Andy Isaacson)

San Francisco Police apprehended Jack the Ripper last week – with a little help from the All Worlds Fair.

The legendary criminal, most recently wanted for the killing of an itinerant street walker in 1891, selling arms to Germany in 1916, robbing a Wisconsin bank in 1937, selling arms to Germany in 1943, voter fraud in 1968, defrauding the public on behalf of the Lincoln Savings & Loan company in 1989, and no fewer than 16 violations of FCC standards and practices since 1997, was apprehended at the corner of 5th and Mission on Feb. 13 while trying to exchange 150 shares of Enron preferred stocks for crack cocaine.

According to information on his person, since confirmed, he is currently employed as a Vice-President for Acquisitions at Goldman Sachs. 

At a hastily arranged press conference, San Francisco Police Chief Greg Suhr called this “the arrest of the century.”

According to Suhr, the SFPD’s homicide unit was alerted to Jack the Ripper’s presence in San Francisco by a tip from the All Worlds Fair Security Division, which believed he was planning to attend the fair in order to steal Nancy Pelosi’s magic amulet.

Pelosi, who is expected to attend the All Worlds Fair on Friday night, did not return calls for comment.

“Once we got that tip,” said Suhr, “we set up a surveillance unit and monitored the area.  We knew he’d be staking the territory, planning an escape route, and possibly killing escorts.  We weren’t going to let that happen.”

Artist’s rendering of Jack the Ripper

It took over a week for the round-the-clock surveillance effort to bear fruit, but on Feb. 12 a confidential informant told SFPD officers about a well dressed man responding to “an obscene number of Craigslist ads” in the vicinity.  Armed with a description, a sketch, and a copy of several of the ads, they redoubled their efforts.

The result was a confirmed sighting the next day, when Jack the Ripper was spotted coming out of an apartment near the area.

“We think he was hoping to assault a sex worker, but inadvertently ended up purchasing a couch and a tiffany lamp,” Suhr said.  “We think he was on his way to pick up a Burning Man ticket. Thank God we stopped him in time.”

The arrest was made by a joint task force of SFPD officers and All Worlds Fair security personnel.    No one was harmed as part of the operation, but a love seat with just a little cat fur on it was left out in the rain.

“It’s still pretty good though,” said Suhr.  “I’ll let it go for $25 or best offer.”

Reporters were not allowed to speak with the legendary criminal, now behind bars at the San Francisco County Jail.   But Suhr described him as both “terrifying” and “unrepentant.”

“We’re talking about an evil that would not die, but carried down through the ages like a plague, mutating his crimes to fit the coming era,” he said.  “I want to thank the All Worlds Fair for helping this city make the world a better place.”

Jack the Ripper is now facing extradition to England, where he will face charges in his earliest, most brutal, crimes.  He swears no jail can hold him.

A yacht races in the San Francisco bay.

Billionaire Larry Ellison called the All World’s Fair “a nest of vipers and frauds” in an escalating war of words this week between the America’s Cup organization he heads and the All World’s Fair.

The conflict began when The Venerable Azphael of Phelax Prime, who serves as the All Worlds Fair’s outside auditor for this universe, was asked by San Francisco Chronicle columnist C.W. Nevius whether the All Worlds Fair had any joint collaborations planned with the America’s cup, both of which will be appearing in San Francisco this year.

The Venerable Azphael replied that not only was there no collaboration, but, so far as he could see “The America’s Cup is not a sporting event so much as a parasite that attaches itself to a host and sucks the marrow from its economy.”

Once reported, those words drew a sharp response from Mark Buell, who is the chair of the private fundraising committee for the 2013 America’s Cup.  Buell’s committee has thus far raised only $14 million of a promised $31 million to cover costs associated with the America’s Cup, leaving the city of San Francisco on the hook for the rest

That comes in addition to numerous land concessions and public improvements the city has made to lure the sporting event.

“The All Worlds Fair is nothing but a bunch of aliens grabbing San Francisco real estate,” Buell told reporters.  “Where we’ve worked closely with San Francisco, hand in glove, from day 1, they have zero cooperation with the city.  Zero.  Frankly it’s irresponsible.”

When asked about Buell’s comments at an otherwise routine press conference,  Lorien Vell, Deputy vice-spokesman of the All World’s Fair’s Ministry of Information, shot back “We may not work with city hall, but we also haven’t made them promises we can’t keep.”

Vell noted that the City of San Francisco is expected to incur over $40 million in costs for the America’s Cup, including $21.9 million in improvements from the Port Authority – but that thousands of promised tourists have yet to appear, and of the 12 international sailing teams who were supposed to compete in the event, only four have registered.

“I think ‘lying to the city’ isn’t the same as ‘working with it,’ but clearly the America’s Cup does things differently than we do,” Vell said.

That was a step too far for Ellison, according to his spokesman Bob Wynne.  According to Wynne, the Oracle Billionaire told San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee that the All Worlds Fair is “a nest of vipers and frauds,” and that it is “in league with ancient, chthonic, beings of unspeakable malignance.”

Nyarlathotep, a spokesperson for a league of unspeakably malignant chthonic beings, responded that “We measure our accomplishments in galaxies consigned to darkness, their stars extinguished, their lights gone cold.  The petty machinations of a billionaire who wishes to have a boat race without paying for it are beneath us.”

“Why you put up with it,” Nyarlathotep added, “is incomprehensible to us.”

Digital devices can lead to competing causalities.

Ask the All Worlds Fair’s chief temporal engineer, Bernard Clairvaux, that question, and he just laughs.  “Have you ever tried to string over 3,000 realities into a two story building?  Pulling this off every year, it’s a miracle we don’t all end up like Atlantis!”

Of course All Worlds Fair technology has advanced significantly since an unforeseen Atropos Event condemned the city of Atlantis to sink below the waves in every universe.  But that doesn’t mean we’re not still very careful.

“Back then we were keeping the branes of each universe apart through sheer force, which meant we had to use a series of volcanoes or a Dyson Sphere to get enough power just to keep the exit signs lit,” Bernard says.  “Of course something went wrong.  Now, though, we can use each universe’s own Lachesis charge to keep them just far enough apart.  We’ve learned to work with time continuities, not against them.  We set up a discontinuous network, and everything works fine.  The lights turn on, and no two universes overlap where they shouldn’t.   But … and this is the crucial thing … it only works in a stable environment, and that’s why digital devices are a no go.”

Digital phones, cameras, and music players may seem harmless to people who have never crossed through realities, but these devices – especially when electronically tethered to other devices in their home universes – almost inevitably lead to time/reference paradoxes.

“Analog devices don’t cause this problem, because an analog device ultimately is referencing what’s happening within its own workings, or the world immediately around it,” Bernard said.   “But a digital device from another universe is measuring what’s still happening in that universe, and suddenly the network’s no longer discontinuous.  With competing frames of reference quantum resolution goes haywire.  You’ve got waveforms collapsing unaccountably, causality starts moving multiple directions, and if you don’t get things under control quickly you’ve got a big steaming Cantor’s Quantification Paradox sitting in your lap.”

“For me,” Bernard added, “that means double or triple overtime trying to get everything back in the box.  For Travelers, it can mean you go home to a broken world.”

That’s why digital devices must be turned off and placed in a continuity refracting pouch (which Passport and Docent staff can provide) prior to entering the Fair.

We thank you for your patience and understanding,