America’s Cup exchanges harsh words with All Worlds Fair

A yacht races in the San Francisco bay.

A yacht races in the San Francisco bay.

Billionaire Larry Ellison called the All World’s Fair “a nest of vipers and frauds” in an escalating war of words this week between the America’s Cup organization he heads and the All World’s Fair.

The conflict began when The Venerable Azphael of Phelax Prime, who serves as the All Worlds Fair’s outside auditor for this universe, was asked by San Francisco Chronicle columnist C.W. Nevius whether the All Worlds Fair had any joint collaborations planned with the America’s cup, both of which will be appearing in San Francisco this year.

The Venerable Azphael replied that not only was there no collaboration, but, so far as he could see “The America’s Cup is not a sporting event so much as a parasite that attaches itself to a host and sucks the marrow from its economy.”

Once reported, those words drew a sharp response from Mark Buell, who is the chair of the private fundraising committee for the 2013 America’s Cup.  Buell’s committee has thus far raised only $14 million of a promised $31 million to cover costs associated with the America’s Cup, leaving the city of San Francisco on the hook for the rest

That comes in addition to numerous land concessions and public improvements the city has made to lure the sporting event.

“The All Worlds Fair is nothing but a bunch of aliens grabbing San Francisco real estate,” Buell told reporters.  “Where we’ve worked closely with San Francisco, hand in glove, from day 1, they have zero cooperation with the city.  Zero.  Frankly it’s irresponsible.”

When asked about Buell’s comments at an otherwise routine press conference,  Lorien Vell, Deputy vice-spokesman of the All World’s Fair’s Ministry of Information, shot back “We may not work with city hall, but we also haven’t made them promises we can’t keep.”

Vell noted that the City of San Francisco is expected to incur over $40 million in costs for the America’s Cup, including $21.9 million in improvements from the Port Authority – but that thousands of promised tourists have yet to appear, and of the 12 international sailing teams who were supposed to compete in the event, only four have registered.

“I think ‘lying to the city’ isn’t the same as ‘working with it,’ but clearly the America’s Cup does things differently than we do,” Vell said.

That was a step too far for Ellison, according to his spokesman Bob Wynne.  According to Wynne, the Oracle Billionaire told San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee that the All Worlds Fair is “a nest of vipers and frauds,” and that it is “in league with ancient, chthonic, beings of unspeakable malignance.”

Nyarlathotep, a spokesperson for a league of unspeakably malignant chthonic beings, responded that “We measure our accomplishments in galaxies consigned to darkness, their stars extinguished, their lights gone cold.  The petty machinations of a billionaire who wishes to have a boat race without paying for it are beneath us.”

“Why you put up with it,” Nyarlathotep added, “is incomprehensible to us.”