According to reviews from the Critical Consciousness, their latest project – the creation of a trans-dimensional unit of culture and economy set in a fictional universe called “San Francisco” just prior to its destruction in an environmental cataclysm– was a rousing success. Continue reading
Network executives for our universe released a statement today saying that the All Worlds Fair pulled in huge ratings: a 12.1 share in total audience with a 7.3 in the key demographics of deities, omnipotent beings, and 18-34 year olds.
But, they said, even these numbers are not enough to save our universe, which will be cancelled at the end of the week and replaced with a single-camera romantic comedy universe.
“We’re sad to see Earth go: it was a groundbreaking universe, ahead of its time, and really pushed the envelope in its prime,” said Yahweh, the Senior Vice-President of Programming. “I consider the Big Bang to be some of our finest work, and I absolutely loved the Roman Empire. The whole emergence of Christianity in season 10 was just dynamite – the cliffhanger ending was unbelievable. And, I think everybody knows, I still have a framed poster of Joan of Arc on my office wall. I’m keeping that.” Continue reading
The (in)famous psychic time traveling art critic, Waine Blalker — who hasn’t written a good review since his review of the NeoNeoRetroFuturist performance entitled “Destruction of the Dinosaurs” 66 million years ago — wrote this review of the All Worlds Fair before he even went…
All Worlds Hipster Bullshit
I don’t know if you all realize it, but the stupid dress code, timing issues, no booze and overkill on emails and forms has put a large group of folks that I recommended the event to way the fuck off. We all blindly bought tickets, unfortunately. Next time, be WAY up front about what to expect from your event when buying tickets, as it was anything but crystal clear. Frankly, this shit is turning into work, not fun, and everyone I know who’s going scoffed at everything listed above. Give people some goddamn idea as to what it is we should expect when we spend the money.
And yes, my fault for not checking in further and expecting all of the fun you’ve already managed to sap from the prospective evening would be something I’d even have to consider. I expect to be enlightened when traveling around the world, not hanging out with a bunch of white people at a glorified costume party, so cut the shit next time. In fact, I’d like to know who the event organizers are so I can avoid their future events like the plague. Can you tell me? I don’t care how ‘cool’ your past events have been, this shit is ridiculous, you fucking amateurs. Very low expectations for tonight.
I’d get my money back if I could.
We are honored that Waine B. even considered attending the All Worlds Fair. However, given his track record of extremely negative criticism, and all smiling faces of the Travelers who came through last night, we take Waine’s precognitive review with a grain of salt.
We look forward to see all the Travelers this evening!
Karthaks from Horsehead Nebula have three heads, while Itrieans from the Andromeda Galaxy have none. The two races have been at war for centuries over the use of transitive verbs. But there’s one thing that they, like every visitor from a galaxy far, far away , can agree on: having a second home in San Francisco.
As they come to visit the All Worlds Fair, hundreds of visitors from across the universe who never gave Earth a second though are liking what they see in San Francisco and putting money down on houses, condos, and T.I.C.s.
That’s good news for the city’s tax base and economy, said Mayor Ed Lee.
“San Francisco is famous around the world, and now I guess the universe, for being a diverse, exciting, city full of life and energy,” Lee said at a press conference. “That reputation has once again paid off.”
According to a report Lee commissioned from his Economic Development Task Force, each silicon based life form that purchases a San Francisco home brings an annual $6,000 to the economy in addition to the property taxes, while sentient clouds of poisonous vapor that purchase a condo bring in $3,500, and reptiles that take on the form of attractive humans in order to lay eggs in members of the opposite sex each bring in an average of $2,000, plus an additional $500 per hatchling. Continue reading
While digging through our Time Archives we discovered this excellent PSA, “Dangers of the Digital Device”! Technically this PSA has not been produced yet. It will be produced in 1951 on parallel Earth for a future All Worlds Fair. However, we felt it would be a shame not to show at least a teaser of it now! The full PSA may be shown to a lucky few at the All Worlds Fair. Our engineers ensure us the All Worlds Fair paradox bafflers should be able to handle it*
*If you experience any of the following please stop the video at once to avoid further damage from paradox: dry mouth, headaches, loss of the ability to tell time, a phone call from your future self, gastrointestinal reverse time digestive syndrome, horrifying baying of hounds of tindalos, sudden appearance of a blue police box, Narwhals in your peripheral vision, or any other sensations that appear outside of ordinary reality.
According to records kept in the vault of the Lumiere Monastery, on the mantle of the Scorpius Neutron Star, the earliest All Worlds Fairs did not have docents, instead allowing the deities and demiurges of pre-history to freely wage war, love, and politics around the exhibits.
In a desperate attempt to bring sanity to this divine madness, Innocent the 8th, Cyber-Pope of Proxima Centauri, offered his Swiss Guard to serve as concierges and security during the All Worlds Fair that was held in his universe. Continue reading
It’s a matter of public record that the All Worlds Fair comes to every universe one at a time, and only once. But precisely how each new universe is selected has never been definitively established.
Here’s what former Harvard President Aleister Crowley wrote about the selection process of each new universe for the Fair, in “The Book of Universes”:
“So it is that upon the last bell that tolls upon the last hour of each Fair, announcing that this universe and all its marvels are dead to it, on that moment the first child born in another reality draws the Fairs’’eye like lightning across an empty sky, foretelling the universe and place where the Fair shall next appear.”
San Francisco Police apprehended Jack the Ripper last week – with a little help from the All Worlds Fair.
The legendary criminal, most recently wanted for the killing of an itinerant street walker in 1891, selling arms to Germany in 1916, robbing a Wisconsin bank in 1937, selling arms to Germany in 1943, voter fraud in 1968, defrauding the public on behalf of the Lincoln Savings & Loan company in 1989, and no fewer than 16 violations of FCC standards and practices since 1997, was apprehended at the corner of 5th and Mission on Feb. 13 while trying to exchange 150 shares of Enron preferred stocks for crack cocaine.
According to information on his person, since confirmed, he is currently employed as a Vice-President for Acquisitions at Goldman Sachs. Continue reading
Billionaire Larry Ellison called the All World’s Fair “a nest of vipers and frauds” in an escalating war of words this week between the America’s Cup organization he heads and the All World’s Fair.
The conflict began when The Venerable Azphael of Phelax Prime, who serves as the All Worlds Fair’s outside auditor for this universe, was asked by San Francisco Chronicle columnist C.W. Nevius whether the All Worlds Fair had any joint collaborations planned with the America’s cup, both of which will be appearing in San Francisco this year.
The Venerable Azphael replied that not only was there no collaboration, but, so far as he could see “The America’s Cup is not a sporting event so much as a parasite that attaches itself to a host and sucks the marrow from its economy.” Continue reading
Ask the All Worlds Fair’s chief temporal engineer, Bernard Clairvaux, that question, and he just laughs. “Have you ever tried to string over 3,000 realities into a two story building? Pulling this off every year, it’s a miracle we don’t all end up like Atlantis!”
Of course All Worlds Fair technology has advanced significantly since an unforeseen Atropos Event condemned the city of Atlantis to sink below the waves in every universe. But that doesn’t mean we’re not still very careful.
“Back then we were keeping the branes of each universe apart through sheer force, which meant we had to use a series of volcanoes or a Dyson Sphere to get enough power just to keep the exit signs lit,” Bernard says. “Of course something went wrong. Now, though, we can use each universe’s own Lachesis charge to keep them just far enough apart. We’ve learned to work with time continuities, not against them. We set up a discontinuous network, and everything works fine. The lights turn on, and no two universes overlap where they shouldn’t. But … and this is the crucial thing … it only works in a stable environment, and that’s why digital devices are a no go.” Continue reading